This is the word I would use to describe myself these days. Ineffective mother. Ineffective wife. Ineffective daughter, sister, aunt. Ineffective friend. It feels as though nothing I do or say has the slightest impact anywhere, and I'm whistling in the wind. I can't seem to teach my children respect and politeness, and I can't see to stop the frustration that wells up at me when I see the evidence of that, especially in public. Ideas I offer are brushed off at best. My biggest contribution in the last week has been folding fitted sheets (and not that well, it's just that I'm the only one who can do it at all). I realize this is all vague, but I don't want anyone to think I'm throwing out blame or even seeking pity. This is simply where my head is at, so I know it's me and only me at the root of everything. Vicious circle, indeed.
Overwhelmed is another word. Even though we've just begun March, I'm staring down the behemoth that is April, and I am scared. I have responsibilities for Sabrina's birthday and birthday party (yes, 2 entirely separate entities and both equally anticipated by Her Majesty), my mother-in-law's birthday party (90! and an entire town is invited!), getting my boys prepped and sent off on a camping trip (so that they don't get lost, eaten, broken, or end up naked and shelterless), Sammy's First Communion retreat (which eats up almost an entire Saturday whole), celebrating my niece's birthday (I don't think I have to organize or cook anything here, but I'm putting it on the list anyway), a scout den meeting, and, at the beginning of May (so close it COUNTS), Sammy's First Communion proper, including - say it with me - a party. Are we sensing a theme here? Oh, and I just found some out of town relatives moved their visit to, you guessed it, April. Might I also note, I am not so skilled in the party planning area? And that since you'll pretty much find my picture under the word introvert in Webster's, I'm short of breath already? What the expression - in the weeds? Yeah.
If only Martha Stewart could drop down from on high and take the wheel.
I'm not sure where I wanted to go with all this, just that I wanted to spell it all out in front of me, see it in black and white so that maybe it becomes more manageable and less intimidating. I'm not sure I did that, but oh well. Obviously, I need to find a way out of this dark headspace so I can tackle each item head on. Heh, see what I did there? Maybe I'm taking the first step already.
Please send good thoughts. And maybe a steam cleaner around May 6.