Dear Middle School Girls –
I know you hate that PE is the 1st thing in the morning and that they’re making you run outside in the chill. That is no reason to half-heartedly jog along 2 and 3 abreast, taking up the whole sidewalk so that I have to run off into the street so we don’t collide. You are teeny little things, and I would snap you like a twig. Look up.
Dear Costco Sample Distributors –
Let’s cut to the chase. We both know I’m not going to buy 150 meatballs. I just want a snack. So stop giving me the evil eye and hand me a toothpick.
Dear Lady Driving Next to Me –
If your eyesight is so poor that you cannot see a minivan in the lane to the right of your itty bitty econo-car (I’m not judging) and you think you can just drift on over whenever you please, perhaps you should consider taking the train.
Dear Perfume Lady –
I am just walking by you to get to the kids department. I didn’t even make eye contact. Do not spritz me with your napalm cologne and don’t hand me a tiny smelly card when there are no trash cans within a 50 year radius. Back off.
P.S. Your perfume smells exactly like Love’s Baby Soft.