Dear New Paperboy,
I appreciate that your job is tough, and that print newspaper subscribers are fewer and fewer every day, but you needn’t try to guilt me into subscribing by giving me a sob story about paying for college. I do not have the money to spend on something that is just going to pile up in my house until I end up on Hoarders.
Dear Runner Man at the Track,
There are 6 lanes, and you and I are the only ones here. I am running like my life depends on it, and you can clearly hear my huffing and puffing, so you know I’m not just jogging along here on a whim. It’s downright rude to speed past me and cut into my lane 3 paces ahead of me, making me pull up. It makes me wish for you to trip so I can high jump over you, laughing.
Dear Online Side of a Decent-Sized Retailer,
One would think that if you have something listed as available, it would actually be available or at least stop me from going through the entire ordering process before telling me you’re out of stock. One would be wrong. And that is sad. Mostly for you as one won't be coming back to your site.
Dear Children of Mine,
I can’t give you this explanation directly, because I would single-handedly ruin the magic of Christmas, but you really need to stop adding things you want to your holiday wish list, as known as Gimme Everything I Ask For, because Santa is pretty much finished with his inventory, the toy factory is shutting down, and the elves are going on vacation. If you get all disappointed Christmas morning because you didn’t get something you mentioned on December 23, Mommy’s going to need something stronger than a mimosa at Christmas breakfast.