Last night, I had a dream that I was simultaneously in current time and in the summer between my junior and senior years of high school. I suddenly realized I hadn’t even looked at what books were on my required summer reading list and that I’d have to get on that immediately if I had a prayer of finishing, so there would be no way I’d be able to read the behemoth volume my book club picked for this month of November. In my dream, I could feel my chest tighten with anxiety over the reading, but it never occurred to me that I was living 2 timelines at once that didn’t even match month to month. I promise I didn’t smoke anything before I went to bed, but I did Bogart a 100 Grand bar from my kid’s Halloween haul, so maybe that’s the crack.
Why do children’s medicines taste good and adult medicines taste so awful? Kids need to learn that medicine is only for when you’re sick, and not because you want a shot of liquid candy. You’d think my kids were little addicts the way they beg for medicine. And then, when you grow up, all of the sudden, it tastes like battery acid. Come on, we already feel like crap, can’t we get something a little yummy to soothe our tummies, noses, and/or throats?
How do I teach my kid to smile? Specifically, for pictures. For every 1 random shot I get of a natural look of happiness, I get 1,200 of a boy straining to wrap the corners of his mouth around his head in some grimacing rictus that might actually scare babies. Also, he never looks directly at the camera, and therefore always looks as if he has somewhere else to be, like he’s the world’s most in demand 7 year old.
Perhaps I haven’t had enough candy. I should rectify that right away.