A Complex Complex

When you start practicing for your first real, honest-to-Pete job interview, you work through a lot of sample questions to try to think out proper answers and cut down on the Uhhhh factor. One that comes up again and again is what you consider your biggest flaw. The trick is to come up with an answer that on the surface might seem like an actual chink in your armor, but on second thought could be a skill to the employer you are trying to impress. My rote response (not that I ever, EVER got this question in a real interview) was that I could be quite the perfectionist, very invested in getting every detail of the work right. Pretty good, yes?

But if I really get right down to it, I should say that it’s my ridiculously overdeveloped sense of guilt. I can feel guilt over things I’ve done, things I haven’t done, things I haven’t even thought of doing, things you’ve done, and things people I don’t know have thought about doing. And I’d like to atone / fix / amend all of them.

My parents will tell you that this is a long and storied trait of mine, probably starting in the womb for troubling my mother by staying put 3 ½ weeks past my due date. (This will also be their argument as to why I resist change with every fiber of my being.) They will continue by regaling you with the tale of my tween-something birthday, at which time I saved up all my gift money and then some, went shopping at some fancy-dancy toy store, and came home with 2 marionette puppets that I’d long admired. I proceeded to tangle the strings into knots that would frighten sailors within the first 24 hours, and was so distraught over my ineptitude that I begged to take the damaged toys back for a refund. This impulse was heretofore known as Buyer’s Remorse, and is probably the foundation of my extreme frugality today. And it all started with guilt. Guilt for spending all my savings on something that went to hell because of my poor motor skills (can you say guilt double dip?).

A day – heck, an hour – doesn’t go by that I don’t recognize my guilt reflex kicking into gar over something or other. Just a sampling of today’s guilt smorgasbord: not giving into my children’s choice of breakfast food; leaving the house 2 minutes late, and therefore jeopardizing Sammy’s on time delivery at school (not really, but I don’t acknowledge the cushion time I’ve built into our schedule); spending more at the grocery store than I’d intended (there goes that Buyer’s Remorse again); making an error on a form and having to cross it out; not having 2 hours worth of interactive play planned out for this morning’s playdate; allowing the kids to play of their own accord for minutes (we shan’t give an actual number, OK) at a time; keeping the Halloween candy within too easy a reach (for me) and taking advantage of that far too often; procrastinating phone calls because I absolutely hate making them; hustling Sabrina out the door to pick up Sammy with more than a little irritation in my voice; hearing that Sammy had his first bad behavior day at school and how I haven’t been able to teach him the right discipline to avoid such situations (even though this is probably a giant crash of too little sleep and too much crazy over the past few days); including both bacon and cheese in tonight’s dinner (this would be personal guilt only, as it is perfectly fine for the rest of the family to consume such delights, especially in the moderate amounts I used, but for me, I shall be smitten by the wrath of Jillian Michaels for such travesties against my waistline); and not getting the kids to bed earlier than usual, but still on time. I’m sure there was more, but I’m starting to feel guilty of being extremely boring. Oh yeah, one more: I feel guilty for not writing here as often as I’d like (a common writer woe, but there it is, just the same).

I realize I am in dire need of therapy. But Buyer’s Remorse keeps me from spending the money. See? Really crazy.